urbancatfitters:

me: [facedown on the floor] listen everything is totally fine

tsarism:

tsarism:

Just finished crying

Crying again

viewtiful-kim:

accendas:

i literally dont talk to anyone unless they talk to me first

NPC Energy

thebootydiaries:

me on a date: so… haha… when did you realise your standards were this low? :)

dongstomper:

reblog if you would trust a dog with a sword to protect you

abbleremorse:

Gets 3 XP for wandering into a corner of my bathroom I’ve technically never set a literal foot in before and I see the floating text ‘DISCOVERED: CHOLERA COLONY’ seemingly appear out of thin air before gently fading away

smartaveragebears:

hearing the word ‘salty’ in it’s original context is so weird now bc someone could literally just say ‘these pringles are so salty’ and I’ll just be thinking damn who’ve those pringles been vagueing about now

ask-oncies-jizz:

i guess im just too fucking dumb to lucid dream. cant ever realize im in a dream, i’ll look around me like damn i’m in my old elementary school and my teeth are falling out and im naked? well shit guess this is my life now. got fooled by my subconscious again lads

4 word horror story

mitochondrionion:

jontronshat:

pajama-zam:

jontronshat:

imhangingwhataboutyou:

jontronshat:

“I heard my wife knock on the bathroom door, but then I remembered…. our bathroom doesn’t have a door”

I’m sorry, but the confusion of why your bathroom doesn’t have a door far outweighs any feelings of horror this might evoke.

can’t afford door.. the horror here is the realities of life

So what fuck was your wife knocking on

this dick

It’s not even 4 words???

noxyouraveragefangirl:

Me: Really wants a romantic relationship

Me: Never develops strong feelings for anyone

Me: 

jackwhitevevo:

once i was babysitting my neighbor’s 6 year old and she asked me why i was so ugly and without thinking i said “i’m you from the future” and she cried for like 30 minutes